Thinking and doing
Worrying is, unfortunately, not supportive
When finding a new therapist after moving to Toronto, I chose a Canadian living in Brooklyn. After having grown up in New Jersey and spending a decade in Brooklyn, I didn’t want a therapist to get distracted by my neuroticism.
What’s normal in Brooklyn is not normal in Toronto. As I expected, quite a few of my quirks have ironed themselves out over time. Frankly, visits home seem to demonstrate that quite a few of these behaviors are practical in the situations I find myself in Brooklyn. New York can be its own universe, with its own rules.
Not all of my neurotic behavior is adaptive, though. Nor has it all faded away with time. While visiting friends and family in New York and New Jersey the past few weeks, I found myself thinking about how much of my care is expressed in anxiety and how that anxiety is invisible.
I spend so much time ruminating on what to do, how to help, and trying to understand other people’s viewpoints. It takes a lot of energy…and it’s all invisible. It doesn’t help them at all. They have no idea what’s going on in my brain. If they did know how often I think about them, it would probably sound like a guilt trip, not support.
It’s time for me to shift that energy into actually supporting people, rather than ruminating about supporting people. Instead of trying to come up with the perfect thing, it’s time to just do something. Instead of trying to mind read, it’s time to ask.
Jon Michael Frank tells the hard truth about what it means to make ourselves into who we think other people want us to be.
The New York Times reminds us that people are allowed to make their own choices, especially when they’re our parents.
If you're in the US, Medicare open enrollment starts October 15th and continues through December 7th. The HealthCare.gov marketplace opens on November 1st. Triage Cancer is a good resource for understanding health insurance options.
US Hospitals were supposed to start publishing the cost of common procedures so patients could anticipate costs and comparison shop for affordable care. Two years later compliance with the law is abysmal. They're also now supposed to give patients access to their medical data.
The US Department of Health and Human Services has released the National Strategy to Support Family Caregivers.
Cori, you've nailed this mindset. It's a younger me and lots of others I know. Is this particular to women do you think? Ah, these mind games we play on ourselves! Thank you for another fantastic read. I'm going to think about this for a long time.
Oh, my, Cori, are you and I the same person? With our desire to help others - with our NEED to help others, we forget ourselves. We are so busy employing our mental muscles to pull apart a situation until it looks much like an unfinished puzzle. We're trying to emulate the picture on the box as we put our friends in need back together again. We cannot do it all, nor can we expect ourselves to do it with perfection. Many times, the best way to help another is to be direct and straightforward. In that way we are not being demanding of our time and mental capacities. Thank you for this blog - it will help many of us as we try to maintain a balance of self-care and other-care.