As I read through this, I wondered why, and I wondered at the depth of your experience or the lack thereof.
I wish you would have looked at epigenetics, or the passing down of family relational dysfunction before casting your assumptions.
My parents and my husband's parents managed to alienate most of their closest relatives by the time they were elderly. That left the 2 of us to take care of them with very little help from our sibs or their grandchildren.
And now that torch has passed. My husband and I have a very "distanced" relationship with our own children. The relationships with nieces and nephews are cut off by them for some trivia that we have done or left undone. So much for my goal of not passing on the relational pattern.
We are in AZ in a small "idealistic" tourist town. My husband has multiple end-stage conditions and likely I will be left to "die alone". I have mobility issues and will be using whatever funds are left to hire people to take me to doctor's visits, procedure appointments, and any necessary out-visits. Visiting family and old dear friends involves transportation to the closest airport, 2 hours away, and flying on overcrowded planes and navigating long distances in those airports.
Unless I move, I will most likely die alone. And I see my situation repeated in my neighborhood and among other people I know. Money and views aren't everything. I am sad. But alas, I continue to nurture new friendships and relationships. But I have low expectations of a peaceful departing in the loving arms of my family.
You make an excellent point. Difficult relationships tend to pass down in families, since that's where we learn our relationship patterns. Even when we see the pattern and want nothing more than to do things differently, it can seem impossible to shift it. Thank you for sharing your experience to illuminate this.
Life is full of a lot of complex choices and moving to be closer to family with whom you have complicated relationships with would be a gamble I probably wouldn’t want to take if I were in your position. It sounds like your other relationships are enough to make your current life meaningful.
Sometimes I wonder how much my options shift my values, making it easier to be pleased with what I can realistically have, rather than hoping for what feels out of reach. At other times I catch a gap between my stated values and the ones I act on and wonder if I’m not being honest with myself about my priorities. I know money and views aren’t everything. It sounds like there’s a lot more to your life than just that.
Thank you for sharing Cori. I found the article interesting and I will probably read the book you cited. I find it interesting people feel caregiving differentiates from small towns to big cities. I do think in certain communities neighbors look after neighbors in some ways. I do have a client who is 94 and lives alone in an over 55 community. I only am with her two days a week for about 4 hours each day (she does not want anyone else or any more days). She is fiercely independent, yet has difficulty walking and doing things for herself (but don't tell her that). Her family lives within an hour of her, but all work so they don't come by as often as she'd like. When I am there I prep meals and do some light housework, but mostly keep her company because she is lonely. Covid was very hard on her as although she only had a few social outings pre-covid, she did have them. I know her neighbors keep an eye on her and handle trash, bringing the mail in, etc. It's harder when they go on vacation, but we make it work. My client always asks, "why am I still here?" I usually say because you have not finished learning and not finished teaching. She has told her family she will NOT leave her home and they will have to carry her out when it's time.
Family dynamics play a huge part of whether or not caregiving will be involved. Some care enough to ensure there are good private caregivers...some don't.
I have many single female friends and we are getting to an age...we have always looked out for each other. We check on each other and help each other when we can. As most of us know sometimes asking for help is difficult, but it seems friends step up even when you least expect it.
I hope future generations (as I don't think it will change significantly in my lifetime) find a way to turn around the horrible perceptions surrounding nursing facilities as I have seen first hand goods one and bad ones.
I wonder why it is that some people have access to community support while others don’t. My experience also doesn’t support the small town / big city divide. I also know better to assume that it’s entirely based on the likability, since I can think of some pretty prickly people who’ve still had neighbors who made sure they got the support they needed in ways they’d accept.
Hopefully the horrible tragedy of the pandemic will lead to major changes in nursing facilities. We have long known how to improve them, it just hasn’t been done. There are so many models that meet different needs far better than the current system.
Many politicians (and people generally!) seem to hope that if we don’t provide quality nursing facilities families and communities will be forced to work it out on their own and think they should. Like when the MTA removed trash cans from the NYC subway stations to encourage people to take trash with them…only to have it result in trash on the tracks, frequent trash fires, and cascading delays. I’d rather not look at people needing care as problems to ignore, hoping they’ll go away on their own.
Nursing home staff and PSWs hate the lack of time to keep people company and build relationships with their clients just as much as their clients hate being treated like a checklist of needs. All too often I see the same dynamic develop when family members are providing care on their own, leaving little energy left for them to see their loved one as a person or even see themselves as someone beyond a provider of care. It’s easy to say loneliness is bad, yet it’s still far too easy to diminish the vital importance of keeping each other company.
The history of nursing facilities is so atrocious, it’s no surprise they have a PR problem. Still, you and I have seen enough good ones to know the situation is more complex than its perceived to be. I wonder how much our cultural fear of nursing facilities stems from a fear of needing care and thus no longer seeing a point to sticking around.
As I read through this, I wondered why, and I wondered at the depth of your experience or the lack thereof.
I wish you would have looked at epigenetics, or the passing down of family relational dysfunction before casting your assumptions.
My parents and my husband's parents managed to alienate most of their closest relatives by the time they were elderly. That left the 2 of us to take care of them with very little help from our sibs or their grandchildren.
And now that torch has passed. My husband and I have a very "distanced" relationship with our own children. The relationships with nieces and nephews are cut off by them for some trivia that we have done or left undone. So much for my goal of not passing on the relational pattern.
We are in AZ in a small "idealistic" tourist town. My husband has multiple end-stage conditions and likely I will be left to "die alone". I have mobility issues and will be using whatever funds are left to hire people to take me to doctor's visits, procedure appointments, and any necessary out-visits. Visiting family and old dear friends involves transportation to the closest airport, 2 hours away, and flying on overcrowded planes and navigating long distances in those airports.
Unless I move, I will most likely die alone. And I see my situation repeated in my neighborhood and among other people I know. Money and views aren't everything. I am sad. But alas, I continue to nurture new friendships and relationships. But I have low expectations of a peaceful departing in the loving arms of my family.
And that's the way it is.
You make an excellent point. Difficult relationships tend to pass down in families, since that's where we learn our relationship patterns. Even when we see the pattern and want nothing more than to do things differently, it can seem impossible to shift it. Thank you for sharing your experience to illuminate this.
Life is full of a lot of complex choices and moving to be closer to family with whom you have complicated relationships with would be a gamble I probably wouldn’t want to take if I were in your position. It sounds like your other relationships are enough to make your current life meaningful.
Sometimes I wonder how much my options shift my values, making it easier to be pleased with what I can realistically have, rather than hoping for what feels out of reach. At other times I catch a gap between my stated values and the ones I act on and wonder if I’m not being honest with myself about my priorities. I know money and views aren’t everything. It sounds like there’s a lot more to your life than just that.
Thank you for sharing Cori. I found the article interesting and I will probably read the book you cited. I find it interesting people feel caregiving differentiates from small towns to big cities. I do think in certain communities neighbors look after neighbors in some ways. I do have a client who is 94 and lives alone in an over 55 community. I only am with her two days a week for about 4 hours each day (she does not want anyone else or any more days). She is fiercely independent, yet has difficulty walking and doing things for herself (but don't tell her that). Her family lives within an hour of her, but all work so they don't come by as often as she'd like. When I am there I prep meals and do some light housework, but mostly keep her company because she is lonely. Covid was very hard on her as although she only had a few social outings pre-covid, she did have them. I know her neighbors keep an eye on her and handle trash, bringing the mail in, etc. It's harder when they go on vacation, but we make it work. My client always asks, "why am I still here?" I usually say because you have not finished learning and not finished teaching. She has told her family she will NOT leave her home and they will have to carry her out when it's time.
Family dynamics play a huge part of whether or not caregiving will be involved. Some care enough to ensure there are good private caregivers...some don't.
I have many single female friends and we are getting to an age...we have always looked out for each other. We check on each other and help each other when we can. As most of us know sometimes asking for help is difficult, but it seems friends step up even when you least expect it.
I hope future generations (as I don't think it will change significantly in my lifetime) find a way to turn around the horrible perceptions surrounding nursing facilities as I have seen first hand goods one and bad ones.
I wonder why it is that some people have access to community support while others don’t. My experience also doesn’t support the small town / big city divide. I also know better to assume that it’s entirely based on the likability, since I can think of some pretty prickly people who’ve still had neighbors who made sure they got the support they needed in ways they’d accept.
Hopefully the horrible tragedy of the pandemic will lead to major changes in nursing facilities. We have long known how to improve them, it just hasn’t been done. There are so many models that meet different needs far better than the current system.
Many politicians (and people generally!) seem to hope that if we don’t provide quality nursing facilities families and communities will be forced to work it out on their own and think they should. Like when the MTA removed trash cans from the NYC subway stations to encourage people to take trash with them…only to have it result in trash on the tracks, frequent trash fires, and cascading delays. I’d rather not look at people needing care as problems to ignore, hoping they’ll go away on their own.
Nursing home staff and PSWs hate the lack of time to keep people company and build relationships with their clients just as much as their clients hate being treated like a checklist of needs. All too often I see the same dynamic develop when family members are providing care on their own, leaving little energy left for them to see their loved one as a person or even see themselves as someone beyond a provider of care. It’s easy to say loneliness is bad, yet it’s still far too easy to diminish the vital importance of keeping each other company.
The history of nursing facilities is so atrocious, it’s no surprise they have a PR problem. Still, you and I have seen enough good ones to know the situation is more complex than its perceived to be. I wonder how much our cultural fear of nursing facilities stems from a fear of needing care and thus no longer seeing a point to sticking around.
Thank you for including Good Good Good in this piece, Cori 💛