As I read through this, I wondered why, and I wondered at the depth of your experience or the lack thereof.
I wish you would have looked at epigenetics, or the passing down of family relational dysfunction before casting your assumptions.
My parents and my husband's parents managed to alienate most of their closest relatives by the time they were elderly. That left the 2 of us to take care of them with very little help from our sibs or their grandchildren.
And now that torch has passed. My husband and I have a very "distanced" relationship with our own children. The relationships with nieces and nephews are cut off by them for some trivia that we have done or left undone. So much for my goal of not passing on the relational pattern.
We are in AZ in a small "idealistic" tourist town. My husband has multiple end-stage conditions and likely I will be left to "die alone". I have mobility issues and will be using whatever funds are left to hire people to take me to doctor's visits, procedure appointments, and any necessary out-visits. Visiting family and old dear friends involves transportation to the closest airport, 2 hours away, and flying on overcrowded planes and navigating long distances in those airports.
Unless I move, I will most likely die alone. And I see my situation repeated in my neighborhood and among other people I know. Money and views aren't everything. I am sad. But alas, I continue to nurture new friendships and relationships. But I have low expectations of a peaceful departing in the loving arms of my family.
Thank you for sharing Cori. I found the article interesting and I will probably read the book you cited. I find it interesting people feel caregiving differentiates from small towns to big cities. I do think in certain communities neighbors look after neighbors in some ways. I do have a client who is 94 and lives alone in an over 55 community. I only am with her two days a week for about 4 hours each day (she does not want anyone else or any more days). She is fiercely independent, yet has difficulty walking and doing things for herself (but don't tell her that). Her family lives within an hour of her, but all work so they don't come by as often as she'd like. When I am there I prep meals and do some light housework, but mostly keep her company because she is lonely. Covid was very hard on her as although she only had a few social outings pre-covid, she did have them. I know her neighbors keep an eye on her and handle trash, bringing the mail in, etc. It's harder when they go on vacation, but we make it work. My client always asks, "why am I still here?" I usually say because you have not finished learning and not finished teaching. She has told her family she will NOT leave her home and they will have to carry her out when it's time.
Family dynamics play a huge part of whether or not caregiving will be involved. Some care enough to ensure there are good private caregivers...some don't.
I have many single female friends and we are getting to an age...we have always looked out for each other. We check on each other and help each other when we can. As most of us know sometimes asking for help is difficult, but it seems friends step up even when you least expect it.
I hope future generations (as I don't think it will change significantly in my lifetime) find a way to turn around the horrible perceptions surrounding nursing facilities as I have seen first hand goods one and bad ones.
As I read through this, I wondered why, and I wondered at the depth of your experience or the lack thereof.
I wish you would have looked at epigenetics, or the passing down of family relational dysfunction before casting your assumptions.
My parents and my husband's parents managed to alienate most of their closest relatives by the time they were elderly. That left the 2 of us to take care of them with very little help from our sibs or their grandchildren.
And now that torch has passed. My husband and I have a very "distanced" relationship with our own children. The relationships with nieces and nephews are cut off by them for some trivia that we have done or left undone. So much for my goal of not passing on the relational pattern.
We are in AZ in a small "idealistic" tourist town. My husband has multiple end-stage conditions and likely I will be left to "die alone". I have mobility issues and will be using whatever funds are left to hire people to take me to doctor's visits, procedure appointments, and any necessary out-visits. Visiting family and old dear friends involves transportation to the closest airport, 2 hours away, and flying on overcrowded planes and navigating long distances in those airports.
Unless I move, I will most likely die alone. And I see my situation repeated in my neighborhood and among other people I know. Money and views aren't everything. I am sad. But alas, I continue to nurture new friendships and relationships. But I have low expectations of a peaceful departing in the loving arms of my family.
And that's the way it is.
Thank you for sharing Cori. I found the article interesting and I will probably read the book you cited. I find it interesting people feel caregiving differentiates from small towns to big cities. I do think in certain communities neighbors look after neighbors in some ways. I do have a client who is 94 and lives alone in an over 55 community. I only am with her two days a week for about 4 hours each day (she does not want anyone else or any more days). She is fiercely independent, yet has difficulty walking and doing things for herself (but don't tell her that). Her family lives within an hour of her, but all work so they don't come by as often as she'd like. When I am there I prep meals and do some light housework, but mostly keep her company because she is lonely. Covid was very hard on her as although she only had a few social outings pre-covid, she did have them. I know her neighbors keep an eye on her and handle trash, bringing the mail in, etc. It's harder when they go on vacation, but we make it work. My client always asks, "why am I still here?" I usually say because you have not finished learning and not finished teaching. She has told her family she will NOT leave her home and they will have to carry her out when it's time.
Family dynamics play a huge part of whether or not caregiving will be involved. Some care enough to ensure there are good private caregivers...some don't.
I have many single female friends and we are getting to an age...we have always looked out for each other. We check on each other and help each other when we can. As most of us know sometimes asking for help is difficult, but it seems friends step up even when you least expect it.
I hope future generations (as I don't think it will change significantly in my lifetime) find a way to turn around the horrible perceptions surrounding nursing facilities as I have seen first hand goods one and bad ones.
Thank you for including Good Good Good in this piece, Cori 💛