Unpopular opinion: Eldercare is not "parenting your parents"
👶 Caregiving is not parenting (even when you are the parent) 👵
This past weekend when I was reading Disability Visibility, an essay collection edited by Alice Wong.
In How to Make a Paper Crane from Rage, Elsa Sjunneson wrote:
“There’s something really horrifying about realizing people don’t see you as an adult when you are in fact an adult. There’s something angering about it, too, that people assume based on the kind of body that you live in, or the sort of marginalization that you carry within yourself, that you can be an adult only if someone helps you.”
Even though Sjunneson wasn’t discussing eldercare, referencing the infantilization of people who need care reminded me that I’d written this back in February and never sent it. Which is pretty handy, because I’m not sure how I feel about what I wrote for you this week, so I’m going to leave it in my drafts for now.
It's always rubbed me the wrong way when people describe supporting their disabled, ill, and/or elderly parents as "role reversal" or parenting their parents. This post from the archives sums up some of that argument and I generally agree with it.
A recent article in The New York Times providing guidance for how to talk to parents about their finances and retirement plans made me realize why the topic irks me so much:
"A natural point of pain in this conversation is that your parents have been the ones providing you with advice and guidance, and now you’re shifting the paradigm and asking questions that suggest you’re concerned whether they’re going to be O.K., Ms. Huddleston said. That shift can cause discomfort and tension."
Okay, yes, I ask my parents for advice all the time. But they ask for my advice, too. I may only be 35, but having my parents ask for my opinion on a situation or help with something has been such a normal part of my life that I have no idea when it started. I'm guessing that there was a gradual transition from asking me for my thoughts and opinions to make sure I understood a situation and was able to handle a new responsibility to asking for my thoughts and opinions because they were debating their options or trying to get a fresh perspective.
We rely on unofficial experts far more often than paid experts. Our friends and families have different areas of expertise. There are certain things I'd never do without asking my dad for advice first and other things I'd never ask him for guidance in, because it's just not his thing.
I'm not keeping a tally of who's asking who for advice, but I'd guess my parents give more advice than they get from me. That ratio may shift, but I doubt it'll ever really flip. No matter what, they're always going to be my parents.
Which is why thinking of our parents as precocious children that we are ultimately responsible for is setting ourselves up for a battle. Even if the elderly did transform magically back into toddlers, try to tell a toddler what to do and you've quickly remember that they don't like it.
The author goes on for tips on how to talk to your parents about their wishes and plans without "threatening the power dynamic."
What a sad view of parents in general to assume that they are so cocksure and obstinate that asking them about their plans would throw them into full-blown defensive mode.
Going into a conversation about the inevitability of death with the assumption that your parents are already well on their way to becoming doddering old fools is perhaps not the right tactic.
My parents both support my choices, even when they don't understand them. Even knowing that they'll be the ones helping me deal with the consequences of my mistakes and misfortune.
They don't switch back to treating me like a kindergartener, even when I sometimes act like one.
I aspire to treat them with that same level of respect.
I’m still doing an A+ job of social distancing out here in the mountains. Although I did spend a chunk of time this week researching travel insurance to figure out if spending the winter with my parents is an option.
Family dynamics can be tricky. In my experience, every family is different, and what works in one family, may be a disaster in another.