The way a lot of people talk about unconditional relationships and unconditional love turns unconditional into a synonym for forever. It’s as if for something to be unconditional it must continue indefinitely, no matter what. It seems like anything that ends must not really have been unconditional. As if unconditional means we always have to say “yes” and keep going, an unconditional surrender of our heart and our lives.
That's not quite what unconditional means. In terms of relationships and connections, unconditional means something that's done for its own sake. It's the opposite of transactional.
Loving someone unconditionally does not mean you will stay with them under any circumstances, regardless of how they treat you or how much harm it may bring you or what you may need. It means you simply love them, just because. The love itself is its own reward.
Unconditional love does not make the details of our lives and our reality irrelevant. It does not dictate that we take certain actions or always please the people we love. Someone who loves us unconditionally doesn't make demands of us. When someone claims we owe them care because of the sacrifices they made for us, that is transactional love.
We can love someone unconditionally and decide that the level of care we are providing is unsustainable and needs to change. We can love someone unconditionally and decide we aren't able to serve as their primary caregiver. We can love someone unconditionally and have boundaries around what we want that relationship to look like.
I wonder if — in order for a relationship to be unconditional — we need to have limits to how much we are willing to give. In order for our relationship to be its own reward we need to be giving our love, our care, our time, our effort freely.
On transactional relationships and feeling needed
What unconditional love is (and isn't)
All relationships are (a little bit) transactional
The medicalization of addressing social determinants of health
A memorial for Rosalynn Carter
Lisa Machado on building a national caregiving strategy for Canada
The New America Foundation on transforming how America cares
The US Social Security Administration has demanded money back from more than 2 million people a year
Usually it's the old folks we encourage to live as if they've travelled back in time
so so true