There are plenty of reasons to struggle
I've been trying to train the Instagram algorithm to show me ducks
The start of each month comes with a flurry of awareness posts for various medical conditions, often accompanied by inspiration porn. You’ve seen those videos of people with disabilities achieving things, with the messaging that if they can do it there’s no excuse not to. As much as we could all give an extemporaneous talk on how offensive this is — and probably have — it still seeps into our worldview.
We take the existence of people who survive — and grow and thrive — within the confines of care work as proof that everyone should.
So, here’s your reminder that just because someone somewhere is doing something super cool while also serving as a caregiver, that does not mean you have no excuse not to achieve the same thing.
Who truly believes everyone could be successful? We know better. Right now we’re all being told that if everyone were to get a pay raise inflation would spiral out of control and we'd be burning stacks of worthless cash to heat our homes. We live in a world where “success” is defined by its rarity.
In true crime shows everyone identifies the widow who isn't sufficiently devastated by grief as the murderer. We’ve suspicious of anyone who thrives without first struggling their way through.
In Against Performative Positivity, Danah Abdulla writes:
"Optimism forces people to blame themselves for their own failures and misery; to never look at the structures of power that contribute to this. You just didn’t try hard enough, and you weren’t good enough. This has depoliticized the world."
The people we see who seem to be effortlessly providing care are often like ducks who are either furiously paddling under the waterline or being pulled along by the current.
Most of us don't advertise our struggles, nor do we highlight the circumstances that help us along. Many of them will tell you what they're doing and how, if you ask. Many of them will tell you how much they have struggled in the past and still struggle, even if it's not apparent from the outside.
That struggle doesn't mean they aren't also surviving and growing and thriving. It just means that real life is more complicated than the headlines and the social media posts and the assumptions we make about people we admire.
Isn’t it reassuring to know that there is nothing more normal in the world than to struggle? Isn't it beautiful to know that we can survive and grow and thrive? Isn't it wonderful to know that it's possible that things can be better?
Possible and likely and obligatory are not the same things.
Kai Brach makes the case for pessimism and links to Alain de Botton’s defense of pessimism.
Ragen Chastain guides us through questions to ask the doctor when they suggest weight loss as treatment.
Tomorrow The Vanier Institute is having a talk on working while serving as a family caregiver.
Massey College has a talk on sibling caregivers coming up on April 6th.