You won’t be shocked to learn that I clicked on a BCC article on friendship:
“What would a future world with different ideas about what we owe to our friends look like? Well, probably not that different to today's world. It's also not like contemporary friendship is the same thing all over the globe. Friendships in individualist cultures – typical of English-speaking countries and much of Western Europe – differs in several important ways from friendships in Arab, East Asian, African, and Latin American countries where there is a more collectivist culture. For example, reciprocity between friends is typically valued more in individualist than in collectivist cultures. Individualists don't like to be indebted to friends by not returning favours; collectivists don't view such interactions in terms of favours and instead view those who resist accepting help from friends as aloof and egotistical. Behaviour between friends that, in individualist cultures, is seen as inappropriately interfering – like correcting a friend's class notes – is deemed considerate and caring in collectivist cultures. Those in collectivist cultures tend to be confident that their close friendships will endure without nurturing by saying positive things; as a result, they speak to their friends with a frankness that would be viewed as cold in individualist cultures. As the psychologist Roger Baumgarte – from whose survey of cross-cultural friendship research I've drawn these observations – remarks, these cultural differences reveal that even what it means to be a close friend varies by culture.”
Just because we live in an individualist culture doesn’t mean we can’t try getting more involved in our community. Given the way denying our interdependence is leaving so many people struggling, maybe it’s time to take some baby steps towards each other and see how it goes.
Speaking of friendship, errand dates are a thing. This week I went with a friend to pick up medical records. Not because she needed moral support, just because it was an easy way to make time to catch up and cross a tedious chore off the list. Here's your reminder that you can fold your friends into your life and turn time on the subway into time to hang out. I also highly recommend calling friends when you’re stuck in traffic.
Pocket reminds us that trying to cheer up a grieving friend is more likely to make them feel alone. Having boundaries means we don’t need to control how other people feel, we can just be there with them and accept them as they are in that moment.
I cannot roll my eyes enough at talk about how hard it is to recruit and keep family doctors in Canada. Canada's immigration program grants permanent resident status to lots of doctors, who then can't practice medicine in Canada because of the difficulty of getting their credentials recognized. Many doctors in Canada are either switching careers or are choosing to leave for countries that will allow them to practice medicine.
There's an interesting interview with a Canadian doctor listening to families and coming to see the everyday trauma of medical procedures and the profound impact it has on caregivers. Every week I warn people that what a surgeon considers a minor procedure has everything to do about what work the surgeon is doing and nothing to do with the actual experience of the patient or caregivers. I’m going to have to expand that warning.
My first girlfriend did patient transport at a hospital, which meant she got roped into doing a lot of nursing and medical translation, all for the measly pay and complete lack of security as a per diem employee, so it's no surprise that hospital staff are burning out. The real question is: who isn’t burnt out?
One of several reasons awareness campaigns encouraging people to “reach out and get help” for mental health issues irks me is the way it's basically impossible to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist.
Disorderland breaks down why psychiatry is so problematic and what actual help could look like. Another great resource is Mad in America.
This family's story of misdiagnosis is a dramatic version of an all too common tale. It’s an imporant reminder to look for biological causes of psychiatric symptoms before diagnosing someone with a mental illness. When my doctor switched my birth control pill, I became convinced people could hear my thoughts. Luckily, my parents blamed art school and assumed I was going through a(nother) weird phase. My paranoia got me to throw my medication in the trash. That experience could have gone in a very different direction! Instead, it was just a weird phase. See also: UTIs causing delirum, which goes away once the UTI is treated.
Are you struggling with anxiety? Yup, I thought so. You should read this.
On being with your dying parents.
On not having been with your dying parents. (Her suggestion to respond to his regret by visiting the grave instead of, I dunno, spending time with your living friends and family is an interesting choice. Also, no recognition that financial support and regular phone calls are also filial piety? Overall, I thought the advice was good, the example is just a weird take.)
On taking a break from care work.
Stanford is having a webinar on November 8th to discuss the experience of South Asian caregivers.
Choosing Wisely Canada has a webinar on November 10th to check in and see if any progress has been made in reducing unnecessary tests and treatments.
I’m going to have a workshop on anticipatory grief…sometime in mid-November. You can vote on the time and date.
There’s a fascinating webinar coming up on managing aggressive behaviour toward family members or other caregivers. CanChild / Kids Brain Health Network is hosting this on November 29th.
The Family Caregivers Alliance has a whole bunch of new resources and events lined up for National Family Caregiver month in the US.
So many fun things in here. Errand dates!