Sometimes we do all the right things and it still goes sideways. I like to emphasize the misery of bureaucratic hurdles and the way life is not within our control. It's more comfortable than discussing the times I'm the reason things go to hell.
How can things go sideways when I've done all the right things? When I've done the right things with the wrong attitude. So much of care work relies on the cooperation of the people we’re supporting. Alas, working cooperatively is something I sometimes treat as an optional element of care rather than a requirement.
One of my least charming behaviors is when I turn a disagreement into a Socratic dialog. It worked for Socrates, sure. It works for professors. I've seen parents pull it off in a way that feels like loving guidance. When I do it, well, it is not loving guidance. It's me interrogating someone in order to corner them into admitting that I'm right (and they're so wrong it's ridiculous). I pretend I'm just asking some innocent questions, trying to understand their viewpoint, but I can't really convince myself that my intentions are pure.
At other times you could transcribe the dialog and it would look a-okay to a self-help book author. It's my tone of voice and body language that poisons the water. I am calmly agreeing with areas of common ground and asking about their feelings with the attitude of a predator. I'm sizing them up to identify their weak spots so I can weaponize them. As much as it sometimes seems like we are brains in a body who could be replaced by AI chatbots, I know this isn't quite true because no one is fooled by this. My calm, nonviolent communication approved phrases incite arguments that I can pretend were totally unprovoked when I tell my friends about them later. My friends probably know I'm not giving them an accurate version of events.
The move that usually slips past my friends' bullshit detectors is when I'm saying all the things we're supposed to say to be a good person, yet I think the person I'm "supporting" is totally detached from reality. Perhaps this works not because I’m tricking anyone into thinking I’m not being patronizing but that my friends are also viewing them with condescension. Maybe they're in a manic episode. Maybe they have dementia. Maybe they have become known for temper tantrums. Maybe I'm assuming they're just hungry and tired. In my better moments, I give people grace and respect that we all live in our own realities all the time. In my not so good moments I'm clearly dismissing their entire experience and believe that my interpretation of the situation is complete and correct.
The way we do things matters.
Maybe my particular personality failures leave me attuned to when someone has complete faith in their rightness and my wrongness. Either way, my hackles raise immediately. I do not trust the intentions of the arrogant and condescending. The help they foist upon me and their attempts to manipulate my behavior do not feel like caring.
It's too bad I'm not as attuned to when I'm the one responsible for the vibe shift. I'm much faster to pick up on when I'm being spoken down to than when I'm the one who is insisting I know better than them.
One of the problems with being put in the role of caregiver is that we need the conviction that we're doing the right thing in order to do what’s required. There's also usually a treatment team telling us what we need to do, insisting that we need to get them to do this or else. The caregiver is the middle manager doing the C-suite's dirty work. It’s a deeply uncomfortable position to be in.
Often, there are very real consequences when someone is not treatment compliant and those consequences are born by both the patient and the caregiver. Even outside of caregiving, other people’s actions can have a big impact on our lives. When we’re held responsible for other people’s behavior, it’s hard to not assume we have the right to control it.
I've found that it's often people who are also learning to do something who are best able to explain the mechanics of it. People who are really good at something have often forgotten what it was like to learn it, so they can't untangle the steps and explain how it works in a way I can understand and emulate. So, in the spirit of someone who has very much not mastered the art of not behaving like a patronizing jerk, I offer you these signs that it's time to step back:
Did someone suddenly become very angry with me for no apparent reason and I am focusing on how ridiculous and impossible they are instead of considering what might have triggered their reaction? Is there a pattern of this which I haven't spent any time seriously considering the causes of because I assume the other person is irrational?
Am I using jargon and SAT words that aren't normally part of my vocabulary to position myself as the logical expert in the room?
Am I listening to understand or as preparation for a mic drop argument that will prove, once and for all, that they are clueless and should do what I say?
If I were to tell a friend about this conversation later, how would I frame this so I sound like the good guy? If there is a good guy, that's a bad sign.
If someone took a picture of me right now, what would my body language convey?
Has someone rejected my suggestions and help repeatedly and I'm justifying my ignoring this because they once agreed to it while under duress or because I'm doing what I'm convinced is right and necessary?
Are we creating a plan together or am I explaining why my plan is the best plan? Being open to tweaks and listening to suggestions is not collaboration.
If I spoke to a child like this, would they be more or less likely to throw a tantrum?
One nice thing about patronizing behavior is that it's usually self limiting. It's rarely effective without actually resorting to some pretty toxic behavior and/or force, which is an extreme most people stop before they reach. People who are being treated in a patronizing manner often will not accept it. This is how people are most likely to experience this kind of treatment in situations where they can't opt out, with people who are missing their proverbial moral emergency brakes. Alas, that's an easier scenario to encounter in the world of caregiving.
Still, as much as most of us don’t allow patronizing behavior to reach extremes and don’t behave this way all the time, it’s easy enough to slip into often enough to cause real problems in our relationships. It’s important to catch ourselves and repair or relationship. Ideally, we’ll learn to notice as soon as the vibe shifts and learn how we can shift it back.
Often patronizing behavior comes out when we're frustrated, feel out of options, and, ironically, feel insecure. The first thing to do is shift my focus to my own behavior. Is my behavior influenced by being hungry, tired, or otherwise uncomfortable? After that assessment, I try to remember these things:
I behave in ways that mystify other people on a regular basis. I have misunderstood things plenty of times while being entirely convinced I understood them. There have been situations that were so far outside my experience or contradicted my world view in such a way that I misconstrued them to force them into my mental framework. These situations have never been improved by someone being condescending to me.
Even if they are wrong about certain key things, that doesn't mean they're wrong about everything. It also absolutely does not mean I'm right or that my way is the best way.
My brilliant plan cannot work without the cooperation of the other person, which means that my brilliant plan is not as good as any plan they're actually on board with.
Clearly, this section is missing some bullet points, so please share your suggestions.
On the other hand, if you're looking to bring out the worst in everyone involved, while feeling like a martyr, I highly recommend doing everything you can to help someone in a patronizing way. In my experience, nothing turns a loving relationship toxic or nullifies sacrifice and support nearly as effectively.