Do they care for you, too?
A lot of us, especially spousal caregivers, chafe at the term 'caregiving' because it makes it seem like our partner is our dependent, rather than acknowledging the ways that choosing to become interdependent is basically the thing that defines partnership.
No relationship, romantic or not, is supposed to be 50/50 all the time. It's why we're a little suspicious of someone who won't accept a favor and therefor commit to a sense of mutual obligation. Don't they plan on sticking around long enough for things to eventually even out? Are they keeping score?
Debt is a long book that you probably don't want to read, but one of the things that stuck with me is how we use money with people we don't trust and aren't committed to. The social meanings of money define our relationships, which is why mixing cash with close relationships gets so tricky.
We care for a person who needs a lot of support, often with the assumption that one day they may do the same for us. Or they have cared for us. Or they would do the same for us if they could. Or because they currently care for us in different ways. Or because someone else cared for us.
But what about when they don't care for us? When we feel they've dropped the ball on their obligations of interdependency and have, indeed, become dependents?
What happens when someone is so wrapped up in their own needs that they've decided ours no longer merit their attention?
We talk a lot about trying to figure out when care goes from 'just being a parter/son/sister/neighbor/friend/whatever' to 'caregiving.'
But we don't talk much about when care goes from interdependence to an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
It's incredibly demeaning to view someone who requires support as not being expected to provide mutual care. To treat someone as incapable of being part of our web of interdependence is dehumanizing.
Hell, we expect more from our pets!
The reason there was so much outrage over #100outof100 (when Dr. Phil said 100 out of 100 relationships that involve care taking fail) is that relationships that involve caregiving can be and should be fulfilling for both people. They can and should be relationships between interdependent equals. You can and should both be each other's priorities.
It's harmful for both caregiver and care recipient to care for someone out of a sense of obligation or pity.
If you feel like a servant or they feel like your dependent, it's time to reassess where you are and where you want to be.
PS. Yes, treating someone as an equal can get tricky when people have severe mental health issues or limited cognitive functioning. Sometimes letting someone make their own decisions can be dangerous.
If we can easily navigate providing toddlers with a level of autonomy that's safe for them and treat them with dignity and respect, we can do that for every human. Being someone's legal guardian is the responsibility to care for someone, not the right to rule over them.
PPS. A while back I tried researching what's required to give up or decline taking on caregiving responsibilities for a spouse, parent, or child. I hit some roadblocks, but if you have information to share, I'd love to pick this project back up. No one should be forced by law or circumstance to provide care, just as no care recipient should be stuck in an abusing relationship with a caregiver in order to meet their care needs.