Why do we care about celebrities?
I've always preferred nonfiction, but even nerds like me want easy reads sometimes. So I've read a lot of memoirs and biographies. Understandably, most of the biographies that get published are of famous people.
Many profiles and biographies of famous people have an implicit -- or explicit -- tone that if you just emulate them and live the way they do, you, too, can achieve success. Which is why we know so much about the morning routines of artists and startup founders and billionaires.
I've been reading Sherwin B. Nuland's books recently, because I am trying to understand what caregiving was like 100 years ago, but there's no book on that. (But if you have any suggestions, please hit reply and send them my way!) So I've been reading about the history of medicine and biographies that touch on caregiving, and Nuland has written on both of those topics.
In The Art of Aging, Nuland introduces us to Patricia Neal and she talks about how her husband, Roald Dahl, pushed her to get back to work after her stroke.
Neal and Dahl were no strangers to caregiving. Their lives are a reminder that wealth and fame can't guarantee you health.
But knowing how Neal and Dahl coped with caregiving is basically useless for any of us who aren't them. Could you get your spouse a well paying and prestigious job within a year of their having a stroke without them cooperating? Could you force them to sign a contract? Could you pioneer a new type of therapy and then fund a new medical center?
This is why there are so many caregiving guides out there -- and if you've read them you probably found them of limited utility.
Dahl pushed Neal in ways that would have caused many marriages to break down, but it worked for them. Dahl and Neal had access to opportunities for medical care, work accommodations, and paid support that almost no one else in America had -- then or now.
One of the things that used to be all over The Caregiver Space materials was "only another caregiver understands" and it's true and not true at all.
As humans we are empathetic and attune ourselves to the experiences of others. We can be there for someone without having experienced their specific grief.
But also, it's not true that other caregivers understand. Adrienne, Bob, and I were all spousal caregivers, but do I have the slightest inkling of what it was like for them? Nope. Adrienne and I both spent months of our childhood visiting a relative in the ICU nearly every day, but our experiences were completely different.
The three of us have all served in that hazy 'does it even count as caregiving' capacity of providing long-distance and occasional support. Each time Bob has served as a caregiver, it's looked entirely different from every other time he's provided care.
I experience a vague panic whenever friends leave me in charge of their kids while they run errands or shower, so it's safe to say I'm clueless when it comes to understanding what Donna's experience caring for Nick (or Natalie!) was when they were little or is now. Even if you also have a son with cerebral palsy, your situation is probably still very different than hers.
Caregiving is so complicated because it's so intensely personal. No two caregiving situations are alike, which means there is never a caregiving solution that will work for any group of people. Or even for the same people as the situation changes over time.
What support or respite or self-care looks like depends on who we are, who we're caring for, and our community.
Life does not come with instructions. We can try to copy other people's lives, but that doesn't guarantee we'll end up with a life like theirs.
Reading caregiving biographies and guides can be incredibly helpful -- validating, reassuring, insightful -- but take what resonates with you and leave the rest behind.
PS. If you want to share what caregiving is like for you, we're always accepting submissions. You can hit 'reply' and send it my way.
And if you're looking for some stories about what caregiving is like for us non-celebrities (okay, Tembi is a celebrity, but she's an outlier here) head over to our site.