Crying in public
Keeping it together seems very important to a lot of people. Like if you cry in public the world will end or no one will ever take you seriously again.
For a couple of years my eyes teared up often, usually for no discernible reason, but also every time I experienced any strong emotion. I finally went to the eye doctor when strangers started offering me seats on the subway and when I found myself struggling to read through the tears.
I went to several specialists over several years, in two countries. While I was grateful no one suggested it was psychosomatic, I started to wonder. There were some vague patterns, but most of the time I had no idea why my eyes were rebelling.
At this point I've done pretty much anything you can imagine doing in normal life while quietly weeping.
On the opposite end of the crying spectrum, my high school guidance counselor once stood in front of the class and told us about a Very Successful friend of hers who was so brilliantly in control of her emotions that she scheduled time into her calendar to cry. She would sit down at her desk, cry for the allotted time, and then go back to work.
It seemed like she was suggesting this as something we angsty teenagers should aspire to, but to me it seemed deeply sad.
Looking back, the aspirational part seems like the idea that she had her own office and control over her schedule. Imagine not having your public crying confined to a bathroom stall or a stairwell.
It was awkward to weep publicly when I wasn't feeling particularly sad, but interesting to see how people responded.
Sometimes it seemed to make me more likable. When my damp eyes take the sting out of my tone. When I tear up as I say goodbye after a long weekend together. Getting me to laugh until I cry was effortless. Other people were repulsed by my tears. People I spent a lot of time with -- coworkers, friends, family -- learned to disregard my crying, which must have looked odd to outsiders.
I've been reading The Crying Book, which is a lovely read for a rainy afternoon and ready to be read in small snatches of free time. Heather Christle muses about why it's so common to cry on planes. A trip could signal an emotional shift, but it's just as likely to be routine business travel. I cry reliably based on the cabin pressure. When the pressure in your tear ducts and sinuses is off kilter, you're primed and ready for any physical or emotional irritants to cue tears.
We view the reasons children cry as absurd to the point of hilarity. Which they often are, as a famous Tumblr account demonstrates. But really, anything that makes us cry is a perfectly good reason to cry.
PS. If you're wondering, it turns out my uncontrollable and unpredictable eye watering was due to long-term, ongoing exposure to diatomaceous earth, a common insecticide, making my eyes super sensitive to all sorts of potential irritants.