Who we worry about (and who we don't worry about)
You already know that I talk to way more strangers than the average person. Those of you who know me outside of work know I'm living a fairly unusual life.
Combine those two and I get people I just met expressing unwarranted concern.
I've had plenty of time to think about why so many people treat me like a lost child. It doesn't matter if I tell people I run a nonprofit, I get a lot of offers for internships, babysitting gigs, and the like. Which is sweet and well intentioned, but also really weird.
But not so weird. This has been happening in the US and Canada, where it's impossible for most people to understand that I don't have a car by choice, rather than because I can't afford one. Or that I'm staying in people's homes as part of my research on care work, not because I'm working as domestic help or too broke to pay rent. Also, I am 35 and single.
If you grow up in Canada or the US, there are a lot of different ideas of what your life is supposed to look like, depending on where you grew up, but it's pretty clear that my life took some turns and is way off track.
The flip side is that if you did everything 'right' and are still struggling, no one thinks to extend the offers of help that I'm getting. And there are so many people who did the things we grew up to think would make us successful -- or at least comfortable -- and are still overwhelmed and facing terrifying financial decisions.
The things plenty of families struggle with -- childcare, eldercare, healthcare, getting professional training while also eating and having a place to live -- are hardly unpredictable. They're baked into the system, but the system acts as if getting pregnant or getting sick or getting old are unforeseen problems.
Anyone who's had a 9 to 5 job and errands to run knows that the world is not set up for...well, most of us. The media makes fun of millennials for being exhausted by "adulting" but can you blame us for pointing out the dystopian nature of automated phone systems and the absurd chores we're tasked with to correct insurance company typos or mass data breeches?
If you did things right -- got a stable job, got married, bought a house, had kids -- you're not supposed to be struggling to take care of your loved ones or pay your bills. Everyone assumes you're fine. And most people take pains to pretend they're fine. It's easy to keep it a secret, because no one thinks to ask how you're doing or how they can help.
PS. I know our focus is supposed to be on the experience of the care recipient, but this article on the destructive behavior that emerges after the trauma of illness really resonated with my experiences. Supporting someone who is dealing with traumatic illness isn't just holding hands and saying kind words; it's also dealing with someone who is out of empathy for anyone else, prone to rages, and trauma splurging showing up on your joint credit card. Such a good phrase!