When someone says you're an angel 😇
When someone says "you're an angel on earth" for what you do to help other people, does it make you feel good?
I once did someone a favor. They described me as being an "angel" for what I had done.
I did not feel like an angel.
On the surface, I wasn't getting anything in return. But really, I was getting the ability to tell myself I was the kind of person who would do this sort of favor. That I was ready to stand up for what was right. That I was loyal and kind and generous.
In the end, we both paid a price for this favor. The world is so much more complex than we can ever understand and I did not walk away from the situation feeling like I was a kind, generous person.
I actually felt pretty bitter about the whole thing. It didn't stand as a moment in time to prove my willingness to stand up for what's right. It stands as a testament to how petty and resentful I can be. How little I understand of the world and other people.
So many of us support other people in their struggles with mental and physical health because we are the type of person who does that.
How many times do people say "I'm not a caregiver, I'm just a wife"? Daughter, husband, son, neighbor, whatever. We say, I don't need a title, I'm just doing what a good person does.
But that makes it exceptionally hard in those moments where we are at our breaking point. What we do as caregivers is tied up in our identity.
Instead of being able to look at ourselves and see that we are simply tired and need a snack and a break, we see ourselves as someone who is failing at being a wife, daughter, husband, son, neighbor, whatever we view ourselves as.
Every time someone says we are angels, we call up memories of all the times we have failed to live up to our own expectations.
If you are frustrated today, remember that all that says about you is that you are frustrated today.
You don't need to worry about being an angel.
PS. Are you on Instagram? You can show what caregiving looks like, saintly or not, using #facesofcare.